There is a false saying: “How can someone who can’t save himself save others?” Supposing I have the key to your chains, why should your lock and my lock be the same?
Who can act in a therapeutic role? Well… everyone. But… who can act in a “quality” therapeutic role? Well… this is debatable… There are some traits that facilitate a good therapeutic relationship and there are some behaviors that someone can exhibit so as to be an effective therapist. And this needs to be highlighted. I shall start with some random reflections, keeping in mind Nietzsche’s quote from above.
Do you have to “feel good in your own skin” so as to be a good therapist? The answer is NO. You can deal yourself with various challenges and it is unavoidable in life. You are a therapist, not a guru or an enlightened spiritual master who has taken off from the mundane existence. You mustn’t be perfect!
Do you have to be authentic in your relationship with your client? YES, most of the time and in general. There are moments however when you can harm someone if you are brutally sincere, so use a decent filter so as not to be abusive in very specific situations when you feel that the client is excessively vulnerable. Using well thought-of language does not mean you are unauthentic, it means that you care for what you say (you’re showing empathy). Know the difference between sincerity and authenticity!
Do you have to be present, to be “seen” by the client? Well, this is a tricky one… The client comes to you so as to meet him/her-self, so the client should not see you as who you are, physically, but rather he/she should let him/her-self guided by you (by your voice, by your presence, by your interaction). I follow the rule that I must be invisible for my clients and they should leave therapy convinced that they did everything by themselves. However, when the client is irrational or speaks nonsense, you must have the guts to confront him and bring him/her back to reason, hence becoming visible. But, as a rule, the client should NOT perceive you most of the time.
What should you do if a client falls in love with you? Well, it may be the fact that the client falls in love with your mind, and this can be tolerated. But if the client is erotically (sexually) attracted by you – something that happens incredibly frequently – this likely means that he/she is projecting on you and you MUST stop therapy immediately and refer the client to some other therapist! The situation is dangerous and it is also malpractice. Many therapists have sex with their clients, it was common practice when Freud lived, but for many years now it is completely forbidden. The experience has shown that erotic involvement does harm the clients, so the answer is a firm NO to romance.
What should you do if you fall in love with a client? As above, STOP the therapy and refer the client to someone else! It is forbidden to mix a therapeutic relationship with a couple/erotic partnership, because the therapy involves unconditional acceptance while the couple involves conditional and unconditional love, so it will crush the therapeutic process. Plus, you DON’T want to know all the dark secrets of your partner!
What should I do if the client tells me that he comes to me as if he’s coming to a friend? Well… you did something wrong! The therapeutic relationship is NOT friendship! It is a professional service, very intimate indeed, but still a professional service. When the client leaves after the last session, you will never see him again, and you must keep this in your mind. Also, the client must understand that one day he/she will no longer see you and this is normal (otherwise he/she has developed dependence, is addicted to you, and this is wrong). Ask yourself if you’re not dong therapy because you have a poor social life; if the answer is yes, you’ve just got a new problem!
What facial expression, language, body movements, attitude should I use with a client? There is a concept called “benevolent neutrality” and I think it sums up exactly what you must display outwardly during the first therapy sessions. Later in therapy, when the client gets to know you, you will use your face as a therapeutic tool – in fact a very efficient one – but not during the first sessions when the client can wrongly interpret you.
What should I do if I feel ridiculous, clumsy, awkward, embarrassed? Well… that’s your problem and you need to enter yourself in therapy as a client if you can’t manage being embarrassed. The aim is to allow yourself to be ridiculous and NOT be afraid of this. So, good luck working on that!
Should I keep confidentiality? YES, an absolute confidentiality. Otherwise the client won’t trust you and won’t tell you some of his/her secrets. The confidentiality in therapy is “one way only”; that means that you can tell to the client if his/her family calls/visits you separately and tells you something, but you DO NOT discuss with the family what the client has told you.
Can I see in therapy 2 different members of the same family or the 2 partners in a couple? NO! You refer one of them to a colleague. Why? Because you will tend to fraternize with one of the 2 sides and because it is impossible not to betray confidentiality.
Should I avoid excessive professional terms and speak in common basic language? YES! Use a language that can be understood by a 5 years old. Or by the dumbest countryman. If you can’t do that, you didn’t fully understand the situation or your role.
What should I do if I’m afraid that a technique won’t work? Don’t use it or, alternatively, use it and renounce expectations while knowing that your trained unconscious mind will help you with something creative. You need to tolerate incertitude and manage your perfectionism & performance issues. Get relaxed, man!
What should I do if the client didn’t fulfil the duty/homework I previously gave him/her? First, you are not his/her “mother” (parental role)! Second, you are not “God” so as to know when the client will start working or continue working! Third, you are (unconsciously) controlling, so you should start your own therapy! Something is done when it is done… But you can discuss with the client why he/she is postponing the duty and you might learn something new… Remember that the client has what is called “their own timing”! And you need to be congruent with them.
Should I have a strategy with a client? Not really. You don’t know what you’re going to discover while working with him/her. You need to have a general idea about what you need to work but you cannot anticipate what you will end up actually doing… You will probably need to change the initial strategy several times.
I am afraid that I might impose on my client my own values and that I might evangelize! YES, you are right, that’s why you need to go through a process of self-discovery, self-awareness and self-knowledge before daring to work with a client. You don’t need one more follower. Or one more disciple. Or a fan club.
Can I tell a joke to my client? Can we laugh during therapy? YES! And you can use humor as a therapeutic tool. It’s surprisingly effective.
The client is telling me that I’m an excellent therapist; what should I do? Tell him that it was a good and efficient therapeutic relationship and he was a skilled client while solving his own problems. And note that he somehow managed to “see” you.
