The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.
A typical aspect of psychoanalysis and then psychodynamics is what is habitually known as transfer and countertransfer, or the phenomenon of countertransference. To put it simply, the psychoanalysts have noticed that the emotions can be “transferred” from one person to another, or rather, we can mirror or infer the other person’s emotions while generating similar or different emotions in ourselves. I thought about using “countertransference” as the title of this article, but “entanglement” simply feels better. The idea is that 2 persons having a discussion, as arid and frigid and cynical as it can possibly be, is never a discussion between 2 robots.
First, we need to separate things: there are “feelings coming from the client” and then there are “your own feelings coming from yourself”. It takes a lot of time to perceive the difference between the 2 types of emotions and failing to discern between the 2 types is a frequent reason for therapeutic relationship failure. This is why self-awareness and working first from the position of a client is essential if you want to become skillful, as you need someone else to correct your flaws first. This is why in psychodynamics there is such a thing as supervision and intervision: you need an extra pair of eyes and… an extra “heart”.
Second, before learning to analyze the transfer (I will use “transfer” for simplicity, instead of “countertransfer”; it is to be noted that, didactically, the “transfer” comes from the client while the “countertransfer” belongs to the therapist), we need to expand a bit our understanding of what communication means. Typically, when in a Socratic dialogue, we might think that we exchange information at a rational level and that’s it. Well, this is very partial… We also exchange emotions, this being the reciprocal transfer. But we also exchange opinions, values, beliefs, life principles; this is called meta-communication and it happens in parallel with the rational and emotional communication. This can become apparent, for instance, when political or religious views are being discussed, and the therapist and the client disagree. This meta-communication is also something that complicates the entire entanglement.
Third, you need to be aware of your general attitude. Again, this requires self-awareness and prior training. In psychotherapy, and also in medicine and psychiatry, there are 3 possible attitudes:
- Paternalistic attitude: the doctor/therapist says something from a position of expertise, self-assuredness and dominance, and the client does it or, to put it more explicitly, obeys it. Practically, the healer takes the mask of a father, forcing the patient in the role of a child. The problem is that the patient is regressed, does not have an active role in his healing, and if something goes wrong, the fault lies with the healer. Plus, the patient is likely to remain dependent or “hooked” or attached to his healer. The healer says “Thus I say…” and the patient says “Yes I shall…”.
- Maternalistic attitude: the therapist/doctor takes the role of a mother, available when the patient has a problem (or the smallest problem), while the patient takes a dominant and authoritarian role of using the therapist as some kind of slave or low-level worker. The problem is that the healer will feel the burden of doing the work which should be done by the patient in the first place, and if something goes wrong, it’s also the fault of the healer. In the meantime, the patient fails to assume himself and his choices, and genuinely work and change. The healer says “Load ‘em on!” and the patient says “Fix me up!”.
- Collaborative attitude: the therapist takes the role of a “coach” who has the expertise, while the client takes the role of an “athlete” who is expert in his own values and principles and… to be fair… in his own life. This involves responsibility from both sides and a contract of collaboration. In practice, from what I’ve seen, this is rarely achieved properly, because manipulation from the client’s side and lack of training from the therapist’s side are fairly common.
The analysis of transfer is a fundamental psychodynamic technique in its own right. But it is unbelievably subtle. It is also one of the things I constantly use with everyone I encounter. My long time passion for transactional analysis does help, as it sharpens one to “feel” the roles and the positions the others take (parent, adult, child), as well as the changes in attitude (I’m OK or not, you’re OK or not). Most of my way of interacting with others is constantly shaped by this delicate process, which I constantly monitor internally. This involves stuff like “listening to one’s heart” (empathy), “being in tune with someone” (being congruent), “being attentive” (being here and now, not absent-minded while the client speaks), “using intuition” (seeing the big picture or what the other wants to transmit beyond words) and “using one’s gut feeling” (being aware of how my body reacts to what happens between me and the other). Yes, it involves being extremely present in your life and in the relationship. Yes, it is possible and yes, it is hard and resource-consuming. But if you’re not passionate about encountering “the other”, I don’t know why you’d like to know more about this stuff anyway…
I give below a couple of countertransferential feelings or sensations you can encounter with a client and what you should take in consideration. The examples are a bit arbitrary, in reality things vary more.
If you feel anger… be aware that the other might want to manipulate you…
If you feel boredom… be aware that the other is not involved in the process, that he/she is disconnected from what’s being discussed…
If you feel defensive, like you feel you need to protect yourself… be aware that the other is actually hostile or angry, perhaps is projecting on you…
If you feel afraid… be aware that the other might be aggressive or paranoid; think also about passive aggressiveness…
If you feel hopeless… the other might truly be hopeless or depressed…
If you feel yourself proud, if you feel that your narcissism has been triggered, if you feel abnormally good about yourself… be aware that the other is idealizing you…
If you begin to have phantasies of being a savior of the other… be aware that the other is in fact developing some sort of dependence…
If you begin to pay attention to sexual content or feel inexplicably aroused… be aware that the other is seducing you…
Hard, isn’t it?! You need to monitor constantly, both intuitively and emotionally, the communication and the relationship. It’s like playing piano with both hands, the left hand keeping the tempo while the right hand playing the melody. All this, in full focus. This requires a certain amount of detachment from yourself and your “own problems of the day”, perhaps some form of meditation so as to calm your inner mind and you also need to “clean your perceptive lenses”, while being willing to… well… feel… That is, making you vulnerable… Whether you do it or not, the client will typically look at you fully focused, following your slightest feedback.
