Beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing, there is a field. I’ll meet you there.

One of the essential skills in therapy is to detach yourself from the concepts of good and evil, for the simple reason that “good” and “evil” are judgements and opinions shaped by your personal values (you evaluate something as being “good” if you compare it with your own personal value); for instance, if “fidelity” is a value you hold in high esteem, than being “sincere” will be considered “good”. Another problem arising when you use the dichotomy good/evil is the fact that these concepts are relative; for instance, there is something called “a white lie”, when you are not telling the truth while trying to protect someone: in this situation, telling a lie is simultaneously good (protection) and bad (unfairness). Detaching yourself from the habit of judging or structuring your reality along the lines of good/evil requires an effort, because, from your childhood, you were taught to separate good from evil and “know the difference between good and evil”. This new paradigm requires a process of unlearning what you previously thought to be true, that is, having learned all your life to tell the difference between good and evil, now you must revert back to the previous version of you, probably the version when you were a very young child, holding a non-judgmental view on life and being only characterized by an intense curiosity. In a world where “having doubts about reality and about what is good/bad” is considered a weakness and a sign of lack of maturity, unlearning to judge will surely prove to be traumatic for you, especially if you are a judging personality type. Not having strong opinion about… really… anything… is or will be a very strange mental state indeed…

Why is this necessary? Well, this enables you to work with many types of people who hold convictions different from yours. Just imagine you are a therapist and to you comes a gay and you are a radical Christian: are you going to be fully capable to work with him and establish a truly deep connection? Well, probably not. This would require a huge effort for you, as this relationship will generate a war inside your soul, being teared apart between your own values (that tell you he should be in Hell) and his problems for which he couldn’t find a solution and an answer (hence needing you to be 100% close to his soul). Even if you will eventually be able to deal with your reluctance at a conscious level, there is a very high possibility that, unconsciously, you might try to harm him, either by being passive-aggressive (unwillingly) or by trying to convert him “to the only and true way” according to you, which is also a mistake (he is not seeing you so as to be indoctrinated and you are not there for proselytism). I think you get what I want to say…

So, this new way of seeing things will replace the concepts of good/evil with “characteristics”, “abilities”, “values”, and the concepts of “good/bad situations” will be replaced by… “events”. In this way, even the symptoms or the complaints of the clients (or psychotherapy patients) will become just “events” and not “bad things”, which is a fundamental reframing (in psychiatry we want to relieve the pain of the patients and heal them, in psychotherapy we are fundamentally more detached and analytical, and we try to see what is “bad” as a simple and neutral “event”, something “happening” in the client’s life). One of the things I valued in my positive psychotherapy training is this very concept, which we typically call “positum”, and from which the positive psychotherapy takes its name; “positive” in positive psychotherapy is not about optimism or happiness, but about the acknowledgement that everything in life, every symptom or pathological situation, does have a “positive” (and also a “negative”) part. In other words, even “negative” symptoms like anxiety or depression, do have a “positive” aspect, a “positum”. In a typical discussion with a client I will not use this technical term of “positum” but in professional setting I will often ask (or be asked) “What is the positum of this or that symptom?”.

For each symptom/bad situation, there is a “positive” and a “negative” side; I emphasize: for each. You need to find out what is the benefit or the advantage provided by a symptom (because people don’t come to you when they are happy). In other words, you need to answer two questions:

1. What is negative about the fact that you are/you feel…?

2. What is positive about the fact that you are/you feel… or at what it helps you/how it helps you in your life?

Or, to put it differently, you need to know what the good in the evil is (and after some time you will also see the evil in the good). If you feel like seeing a yin/yang symbol before your eyes, be advised that it is exactly this what I seek to convey. I would like to give below some examples of psychotherapeutic thinking and I expect you to feel offended if you still hold a dualistic (good/bad) view of reality.

The panic attack is…

… bad, because it conveys the idea of losing control in front of the unavoidability of death. It is also raising the question of “If I die now, have I truly and fully lived my life?”. It is also emphasizing a possible situation in which “I exist and I do nothing of what I would love/enjoy/crave to do, and… time’s passing!”

… good, because it attracts attention on the fact that there is a problem that needs to be addressed, it wakes (violently) someone up from numbness or detachment (and often forces one to seek a psychologist and work postponed issues, as a panic attack is often worse than physical pain).

The anxiety is…

… bad, because it conveys the idea of losing control in front of the unpredictability of the future. It is unpleasant, your imagination is creating catastrophic scenarios and your rational mind generates irrational thoughts that cannot be controlled.

… good, because it focuses your attention on you and what needs to be done, is mobilizing you to actually (and finally) do something for/with you (so it gives you energy). Anxiety is also helpful in risky situations because it forces you to be prudent in the face of danger, it forces you to do some planning or some harm reduction, it facilitates the process of adjustment to new situations (keeps you fit for action). At a philosophical level, the anxiety signals to you that you are still “alive and kicking”, and it is one of the 2 forces involved in change (the other one is disgust); when you’re afraid, you “must” change, whether you want it or not, because of the deeply irritating nature of angst.

The depression/sadness is…

… bad, because it is a diminishing (for sadness) or total loss (for depression) of hope. It comes with a lack of energy and motivation, with a tendency to self-isolate, with insomnias and a reduced ability to “feel life”, with more or less an anesthesia of the emotional side of life. And, to put it bluntly, it comes also with the risk of suicide.

… good, because it helps us to recognize that we have some values or desires that are not fulfilled yet, it facilitates a reevaluation of our life, of what is important, of who we really are and what is worthy and what is not. We may reach to important conclusions, about us or the others, in our low times, and some of us can also have the opportunity to test if the loved ones will come to comfort them (depression attracts attention of the loved ones/friends… or not… which can also be a wake-up call concerning the superficiality of one’s relationships). One other positive aspect of depression is that it enables us to spend some time alone, in isolation, and find out if we can exist also independently from the attentional reinforcement or the social validation of others. It also facilitates authenticity, as in the dark hours of depression we can genuinely be/act outside the same way we might be/feel inside (for instance, we keep doing what we “must” do and not what we “want” to do, until we end up doing what we “truly want” to do, that is, nothing). It can put us into “hibernation” or “emotional death”, waiting for better times to come out. In the end, in the dark depths of the suicidal thought, depression can stop us from killing ourselves, as it steals our energy to act out the suicidal impulse.

The anger/fury is…

… bad, because it underlines the fact that we don’t have/get what we judge/feel we have the right to have (what we deserve). It comes typically from a feeling of injustice and it involves the loss of control and the loss of energy that can lead to judgement from the others around regarding our education or morality (others may suffer because of us, or might get offended, with unforeseen consequences for us).

… good, because it gives to us the energy to express what we believe to be authentic about us and increases our self-esteem for having the courage to act-out on our feelings. Anger is losing control on ourselves and having control on the outer situation, which can be good in emergencies or when a sudden effort is needed (war, sport, acting, etc.). Anger also provides us with the ability to enforce power (on others or a situation), attract attention (you prove that you’re not weak or timid), generate envy in others who are not “free enough inside” so as to lose their control, and finally, anger helps those who want to break the rules, change the world and lead the progress of society.

Being dependent (alcohol, drugs, games, internet, shopping, sex, etc.) is…

… bad, because it is a way to run away from your problems, has an impact on your physical health and on your social life and, after some time, gives you the conviction that you are truly unable to escape addiction, that you are a failed human being.

… good, because it is a way to socialize with other consumers/addicts and belong to a group (alcohol, drugs, smoking), or on the contrary, you avoid eye-contact and socializing with others (drinking alone, for instance). You may get the idea that you are becoming stronger (alcohol, drugs) or more creative (drugs). You dream about having the power (a violent addict) while actually losing control. It helps you run away from sadness (if you drink to forget, it’s antidepressant), anxiety (if you drink to have courage, it’s anxiolytic) or anger (it’s tranquilizer). It gives you joy, (sexual) pleasure and energy. And it gives you the possibility, at least temporary, to escape responsibilities and… life…

Oversleeping (hypersomnia) and any type of fatigue is…

… bad, because it prevents you from achieving what you want and fulfil your duties. It isolates you from yourself (which can also be a positive thing) and the world/others (can also be positive), enables you to avoid confrontations with others (also possibly positive) and run away in the dream world, if the “real” life seems to not be able to offer too much to you (and escape in the dream world can also be a positive thing).

… good, because you preserve your energy and is a seemingly good strategy to wait and let the others solve the/your problems, hence manipulating them through your enduring asthenia (in the end a bad strategy, because unaddressed and postponed stuff never goes away). Also, sleeping is a way to attract attention (others might check you to see if you’re sick) or a strategy to escape the physical (sexual) aspect of the relationship with your partner (headaches function as well). In the end, excessive sleep is a way of hibernating so as to gather energy to survive and live (although the appearance resembles a desire to die).

Bulimia is…

… bad, because it is a futile desire to fill the emotional void or satisfy the impulsivity with food. Bulimia involves guilt, loss of control (while breaking the fridge and while vomiting), negative effect on relationship (you get fat and ugly), self-punishment (punishing oneself by vomiting for the pleasure of eating) and a degradation of the physical appearance (again, you’re fat). On a more subtle level, bulimia also involves the flight in an obsessive behavior that relieves tension by disconnecting the bulimic from him/herself (there is no pleasure to eat, there is no perception of taste and there is no genuine feeling of hunger; it’s only a mindlessly urge to fill oneself).

… good, because it also means, contrary to what was written above, maintaining control by offering pleasure and relaxation (eating, following the motto “chocolate doesn’t ask silly questions, chocolate understands”). It is also good because it enables the surrogate filling of the existential void which cannot be filled otherwise and facilitates calming from negative emotions linked to the reality of life. Being bulimic is also a way to attract attention (it is hard not to be seen), a way of symbolic protection with several layers of fat (often in the case of violent abuse in the past) or a way to punish one’s parents (“I eat your money (used for food) and then I vomit (waste) them”).

Anorexia is…

… bad, because it is an almost absurd way to control an instinct and is one of the few mental disorders that can kill you directly. It involves a damaged physical body representation, intense physical suffering and dysfunctional relationships. It is an undisputed way of slow suicide and it is, at one point, irreversible.

… good, because it enables the client to never grow up and become an adult, remaining at the level of a child (often a little girl). At some point in the evolution of anorexia, the menstruation disappears as the result of the blocking of the nervous and endocrine systems, and this quickly leads to sterility (the inability to have children). Coupled with the gradual disappearance of the sexual life, of the skinny appearance, the phantasy of being a girl and not a woman is finally achieved. In the eventuality of a sexual abuse in the past (a rape with the loss of virginity for instance), of the necessity to punish the parents (“I vomit the “love” (food) you give me”), or of frigidity, anorexia seems to be the answer. Also, being anorexic is a proof of very strong determination/will, as refraining from eating (an instinct) is something truly remarkable and a way to boost even more the dysfunctional self-esteem. In the end, it is not to be forgotten that anorexia initially appeared as a way to fit the images of various influencers/models, hence being characterized by an abysmal perfectionism (an anorexic looks perfect before completely losing control).

ADHD (attention deficit hyperactivity disorder) is…

… bad, because it is an inability to maintain attention needed for performance and a flight from responsibility, coupled with restlessness that makes the relationships hard to maintain.

…good, because it is an attention seeking behavior that really works (you get fans, you are different, you attract people and you become popular and often a “leader”). Also, the children with ADHD often use this mechanism to keep the parents together if they plan to or are already divorced (separation anxiety). Plus, not being able to delay gratification is in itself a pleasure.

The abuse (you know of which type) is…

… bad, because it involves being restricted, dominated, ashamed, and also a degree of guilt linked to doubts about what triggered the abuse (Was I dressed excessively provocative? Did I provide false signals that I’m available? Did I stay too late in the night? Did I drink too much and I couldn’t defend myself? Should I have wrestled more?). An abuse leads often to impaired ability for normal relationships.

… (surprisingly and paradoxically, but use proper judgement) good, because it can serve as an undeniable proof of attractiveness (“I was so gorgeous that somebody lost his control and risked prison for me”). In certain cases, an abuse can also remove a certain pressure to “escape” lack of intimate experience, but it typically remains a secret for the future partner.

Impotence (and premature ejaculation) is…

… bad, because of the shame and performance anxiety involved, as well as for the impossibility to procreate or offer a satisfying intimate life for the partner.

… good, because it’s an excellent way to punish a partner (you get the pleasure, she gets nothing) or an efficient non-verbal way to refuse someone with your body when you can’t say “no”. It is also a good reason to criticize the partner (“you became fat and you’re no longer attractive”) or avoid having children without being forced to justify himself (for “technical” reasons). On the other hand, a premature ejaculation is a proof that one can get aroused “so fast”, a proof of “authenticity and clarity regarding one’s feelings”, but also a physical and non-verbal confirmation of the superficiality of a relationship.

Timidity is…

… bad, because it prevents socializing.

… good, because you are left alone, you maintain a personal charm and mystery that can be attractive for a select minority, you avoid conflicts and, paradoxically, you can attract attention (people ask if you’re okay).

Nymphomania is…

… bad, because it usually conveys a message of dissatisfaction with oneself and one’s sex appeal (wants to be appreciated/envied/praised for being a performer), it often speaks about an incertitude regarding femininity (“I need more men as I need to prove I’m a woman for fear I might be a man/too masculine”), or it might be an issue linked to power (“more men, more power”) or competitively (a personal hit list or, more frequently, several partners are “used” because the main one is not satisfied). Many women become sexually active because in a previous relationship they weren’t and were criticized for this.

… good, because it involves an enrichment of sexual experience, gives a distinct sense of power and a nymphomaniac will benefit from the appreciation of men. Not to name the pleasure here, of course.

The emotional loneliness is…

… bad, because it involves suffering and lack of relational life.

… good, because facilitates more space for spiritual and self-seeking, the responsibilities are diminished (shopping for the family, children, demanding partner, etc.) and you have time for meditation or self-discovery.

The politeness is…

… bad, because involves a feeling of frustration when one needs to control oneself (hiding one’s authenticity), there is often a false labeling from the others (the stupid one, the weak one, the sucker) and often nobody seems to notice those who are polite, as the attention is absorbed by the daring and abusive individuals.

… good, because there are no conflicts with the inner sense of morality, any possible violence is avoided and the control is kept and maintained.

The suicide (or suicidal ideas) is…

… bad, often for philosophical/spiritual and religious reasons (“I didn’t give myself life; is it okay to take it myself?”), but it can also be seen as a flight from imposed responsibilities or situations that do not represent one’s views or values (think about political prisoners or concentration camps). The suicide has little regard for the family and the loved ones left behind, and can be seen as a form of selfishness.

… good, because – talking about suicidal ideas that are shared – they can be a “cry for help” that can trigger psychotherapy and the possibility to restart life from a different basis and using different principles and values. However, suicide can also be seen as a good thing, especially by teens who hold a childish view of life (they believe suicide is reversible, just like in a computer game where you can restart the game and “game over” is never what it seems to be). Also, a suicide is a way to liberate oneself (although each liberation from something is entering into something else which remains elusive and unfathomable).

The death (of someone else) is…

… bad, because it involves loss, encounter with the lack of meaning of life, redistribution of responsibilities and burdens, regret of no longer being able to communicate what was/is important, denial of one’s own purposes in life, irreversibility of the situation.

… good, because someone’s death is also an opportunity for change for the ones in grief, a chance to reorganize priorities, a chance to appreciate the finitude of life and, for some, the chance to get rich following the redistribution of the deceased’s wealth. Death can irremediably depress some in a prolonged bereavement, but death can also inspire life, stop delaying what was overdue and boost one’s existence.