Hell is meeting the person you could have been.

Are you really the person you truly are, the one you know to genuinely exist inside you? Does your current job represent who you are or who you wanted to be? Are you the person you sought to be or the one that you ended up to be?

In a different world and a different personal situation, I wouldn’t have been a psychiatrist. I have this profession because I perceive this world as needing improvement (which is a function of my unacceptance of what is). What I see around me is, according to my judgement, not good enough: there is a lot of pain and a lot of people are suffering. For this reason I feel I need to do something and my job does exactly that: reduces the psychological dysfunctional patterns and facilitates some sort of healing. Not all the times. And not for everyone. But it makes a difference for some.

If I were extremely rich – like, immensely rich – I’d do exactly the same thing. No joking. If I could restart my life and live again what I lived, I’d do exactly the same thing. I have no regrets. But if I could live a different life, be born in a different family or country, or if the world would be different… I wouldn’t be psychiatrist again. I would be an explorer and a naturalist. In a world that doesn’t need fixing I’d be a biologist and travel around the world…

This article deals with emotions – with the right emotion (behavior) one should exhibit as an answer to a given behavior (emotion) coming from someone else. And the main emotions are four: fear, anger, sadness and joy. Most of the difficulties, complications and tragedies of this world happen because we don’t know how to react to other people’s emotions. And as a consequence… we freak out. This is not taught in school – although it should be: what to do when the other does this or that – or feels this or that?!

First, it is important to highlight that the emotions are transactional: you give and you receive. Perhaps I should explain what an emotion is – while looking at the younger generation that does not only suffer from functional mental retardation but also emotional retardation – but I will leave the definitions to be searched for online. Second, it is important to emphasize that a harmonious world (and good relationships) require a certain resonance, a correspondence between the emotions displayed and the emotional answer to them. I personally know this because emotional flexibility and emotional control is vital if you don’t want to be injured/killed in my profession, especially by the most instable (violent) patients. Imagine that every single person I encounter in my profession has an emotional problem and most of the people who are not psychiatric patients do have affective problems as well, but refuse to acknowledge them.

So, without further ado, let’s begin! What is the healthy association between affective states and how should we answer to a given emotion in a balanced way?

Fear requires Security

The behavior that makes us believe that the other person is afraid (or the emotion directly felt as being fear, anxiety or uneasiness) requires from us corresponding affects and actions linked to security (we try to induce calmness and a sense of protection in the other person). In other words, we should protect the fearful. Remember that fear is often stronger and more distressing than pain!

Anger requires Seriousness

The other’s behavior that makes us believe that the other is angry requires from us affects or behaviors related to seriousness, attentiveness, responsibility and, if possible, correction of the situation that led to the aforementioned anger. In other words, if someone is angry, be serious; that anger is important for the other person, it’s not a joke and it’s not irrelevant. And if something can be done to fix the situation, do it!

Sadness requires Compassion

The behavior that makes us believe that the other is sad requires from us affects or behaviors related to compassion (and possible acts of compassion). In other words, if trouble/misfortune hits the other, if the other looks depressed, be kindhearted and gentle, not an insensitive jackass!

Joy requires Pleasure

The joyous behavior of the other requires from us affects or behavior(s) linked to vitality and expression(s) of pleasure. In other words, if the other is happy, don’t ruin his happiness; be happy with him/her, join him/her in her exuberance and enthusiasm. Don’t be a party pooper!

Now, everything is great on paper. And it seems to make sense. Until it doesn’t.

You have in front of you a grownup adult who behaves like a fearful child. The anxiety of a child is understandable, he’s a child. But the fear of an adult is shameful for many, if not scandalous, especially in situations deemed as not being dangerous at all. A phobia, for instance. How would you react in front of an adult afraid of butterflies (more precisely, night moths)?

What about an angry person who is absolutely mental because he has lost an insignificant amount of money? Or his favorite TV show? What about the anger of fellow citizens whose political party has lost the election and are smashing the shop windows along the main street? Can you think about other “unreasonable angers” and how you felt about them? What did you choose to do?

I am sad because of the fact that an April freeze and a snowy week have “burned” completely the petals of the magnolia in front of the house… The flowers are now brown and dead, hanging from the branches… In the meantime, in the neighboring country just across the border, people are killed in a lengthy war, but you know… I care more about my magnolia than about those shattered families… and my sadness is way greater when I look at the damage in my own garden… Can you feel compassion for my sadness in this particular circumstance, after putting everything into a different perspective?

You are part of a traditional family and your only child (a girl) comes home with her new girlfriend and tells you that she is in love and wants to get married with her. You didn’t know she loves girls, she has kept this a secret. She tells you that she’s serious and would like to share the fact that she has finally found her “twin soul”. The girlfriend doesn’t work and – according to what you see with your experienced eye – is aiming exclusively for money. Your girl is completely in love and completely blinded. You also love your girl and the question now is the following: do you have the emotional budget or the strength to ignore your thoughts and alarm signals, and reply with love and enthusiasm to this newly found love? Can you be happy for your girl AND for her partner? Can you share the joy? You know the saying “shared joy is double joy”, do you?!

These are random (some of them a bit extreme, yet still possible) examples, but I am sure that you can find other everyday examples just by inventorying those situations when you felt completely different from what I suggested above as being balanced. And I hope you’ll spend some time pondering on what would be the correct emotional answer.

I said in the quote above that Hell is meeting the person you could have been. Sometimes however… Hell is being a better person. And sometimes… Hell is doing things better, having the right emotional reply to what life offers to you, challenging or not.

Think about this!