I have no intention of dying. In fact, that will be the last thing I do.
When working with a skilled psychotherapist, you might notice the charisma and the quality of your mutual interaction; it is something a bit odd, unusual, in the way the therapist speaks. Sometimes it may feel as if the therapist is speaking from a time before time, they have an ancient, mythical or legendary quality. Sometimes though, the therapist seems to say timeless things, on-size-fits-all statements or conclusions. You can’t really say what is happening, but you know it’s something strange in the way they interact with you. So in this article I will cover a distinct subject that comes from NLP and the Ericksonian style of hypnosis: the indirect suggestions.
Contrary to the popular opinion, the hypnosis is not a dream state, but rather focusing one’s attention in one or several directions, under the influence, and ultimately control, of the one who induces the hypnotic trance. We experience small, time-limited trances, every single day; it is part of our functioning. Why? Because we need to focus on a particular discussion, we need to imagine what we need to do, we might be in the position to use or understand metaphors or symbolic language. Consequently, we enter a short-lived trance. Sometimes we encounter a good salesman who is convincing us to buy something we don’t particularly need, so we experience also a trance. And so on. And then, some people have developed techniques to induce trances so as to help patients heal themselves psychologically; this is the medical hypnosis, fundamentally different from the “circus hypnosis” or the “street hypnosis”. Nowadays, a good psychotherapist needs to know some basic things about NLP (neuro-linguistic programming) and also to have a very basic knowledge of hypnosis.
I had the luck to be trained by a psychotherapy trainer who was also trainer in hypnosis. I learned a lot, especially in an intuitive way and by copying and replicating her behavior. She’d rather show me how to practically do therapy and appeal less to my rational, structured side. And this helped enormously in a world that tends to explain everything and feel… well… almost nothing. So in this article I will cover the indirect suggestions – saying things and inciting change without using direct commands – which are used to diffuse the effect or avoid the defensive mechanisms of the clients. I have a list of defenses at this link and you can also find at this link a list of questions aimed at also avoiding the defenses, but in a rational way. What follows below is however the manipulative hypnotic way, that is, avoiding the vigilance of the rational mind.
It is also to be noted that I use indirect suggestions continuously in everything I do, write or speak, for many years; it is an integral part of my written texts and my way of functioning for a long time, so you might recognize the suggestive language in my previous texts. Also, my former patients/clients would recognize my way of speaking when I am in my professional role. So, here we go!
1. Open suggestions.
One thing you need to learn is to stop using the verb/word “must”. This is a command and puts you in the position of a superior/parent versus the client who becomes an inferior/child. And a child/inferior is likely to hate you for your superiority or for the fact that you’re imposing things on him/her. So stop using “must”! Replace it with the verb/word “can”. What are the advantages of using “can”? It provides unconditional trust in yourself, it opens possibilities, but at the same time it does not provide certitude regarding the timing of that particular action.
Compare: “You must do this!” with “You can do this!” Do you feel the difference?
Stop using the verb/word “try”! Remember Master Yoda from Star Wars: “Do or do not! There is no try!” Or remember the gravestone of Charles Bukowski which writes “Don’t’ try!” The verb “try” is a passive verb, it does not involve action. When you try something, you don’t actually do anything. This is a terrible closing verb, it is a known blocker. When people say they’ll try to solve a problem, 99% they won’t do anything.
Compare: “You can try to do this! with “You can do this!” Do you feel the opening of “can” by contrast with the avoidance and incertitude of “try”? Good!
Stop being utopian and irrational! Avoid using “You will succeed!” (you can’t know for sure, the other might fail), “Time will heal!” or “It heals with time!” (some things don’t heal with time) or “Be positive!” (sometimes you can’t do that).
Develop a mastery of using the verb “can”! Have a look at the examples below:
“You “can” learn in several ways, not only by reading but also by…” (opening perspective)
“The events from your past “can” be re-experienced and the things you learned at that time “can” be used in the present so as to do…” (regression in the past so as to seek resources)
“You “can” elaborate your own way of thinking…” (being creative and finding resources)
“You “can” keep the things you learned on this occasion and you “can” use them later when…” (expanding what has been learned)
2. Implicit suggestions.
These suggestions involve bypassing the vigilance of the client, practically cheating him/her. For instance:
“Before telling me what important thing brought you to me, please make yourself as comfortable as possible in the armchair.” (the sentence is not about one’s comfort but about the fact that, implicitly, one will say what is important, as the sentence does not begin with a possibility or a choice of saying or not, but with a direct command: tell me what is the main problem that brought you here!)
“When you walked in my psychotherapy office you have already begun working on solving your problem.” (obviously, the client is not working at all, but the suggestion is given directly as if it is already true and offers no possibility to do otherwise)
“I wonder what is the first lesson that you are going to learn from our interaction/encounter?!” (the sentence sounds unsure but it is in fact conveying the obligation to learn a first lesson, it’s not like the client has the choice not to learn a lesson; it is implied that he/she will learn, perhaps more than just one lesson, as the therapist mentions “the first lesson” and not “the only or unique lesson”, so… more to come…)
“While you do this, you can also do that.” (is a particular implicit suggestion that is frequently used in practice and involves linking one action to another, although the first one does not determine, as causality, the second one) This suggestion can develop into complicated, highly dissociative (hypnotic) phrases, such as: “While you work in psychotherapy with me, you can discover new ways to do this and you might also get glimpses of other ways you can do the same thing or, on the way back home, your imagination can give you the solution you struggled so much to find; alternatively, a nightly dream might show you the way or even a simple discussion with a colleague could give you a hint to that much-desired solution.” (no matter how you put it, a solution shall be found; no matter how or when, the certitude is granted)
“Before going back to the age of 5 when that thing happened, I wonder what will be the memories that you bring to the surface of you consciousness and what you can understand from them!?” (the succession of events is not respected, as you first need to go to the age of 5 and only then you remember the memories and then, only after, you learn something from them; nevertheless, the suggestion is deceitful; you have begun to learn before remembering and before going to the past)
“I am sure that you have already decided when you want to use what you’ll learn/discover in this therapy session.” (you cannot use what you haven’t discovered or learned yet, it’s not even sure that you’ll learn something, but apparently you can and will, and you can even decide when you’re going to use that in the future)
“I wonder what/how you’ll feel when you’re going to do this for the first time!?” (even if it looks as if it’s a rhetoric question, the line contains the command “you will feel!”, leaving no choice to the client but to feel; this suggestion is also an example of triggering unconsciously the curiosity of the client, as the therapist is transferring from his curiosity to the client who seem to have none, the client being now practically forced to feel; the suggestion is also used when the client seems to have his emotions blocked/says he can’t feel)
3. Truisms.
This category of suggestions is a bit odd; it involves saying things that can’t be contradicted and it feels a bit stupid at the first glance. For instance:
“We are mortals.” (it is true regardless of the fact that you are a believer in the afterlife or not, but conveys the idea that life is finite, and therefore, you should get organized or make the most of your life – it depends on the context in which it’s being used)
“We all know how we were at the age of 5 when we were small and everyone else was bigger.” (in other words, you are allowed to feel weak or act stupid – again, it depends on the context)
“In each society there are persons who prefer the self-sacrifice so as to become famous, or to sacrifice parts of them in order to achieve their goals.” (often used instead of saying that everything has a price but also when pointing out that this might be good if the goal is appropriate, or bad if the goal belongs to someone else, when one lives someone else’s life)
4. All alternatives evoked.
These suggestions are highly dissociative and follow the rule “never 2, at least 4” (don’t provide only 2 alternatives (either…, or…) but strive to offer at least 4 options). The alternatives can be absurd (from your perspective), you can suggest among the minimum 4 options the solution you judge to be the best for the given situation, but you let the client choose what’s best for him/her. Don’t be surprised if the client comes with extra solutions, as people are much more creative than you can imagine. Also, feeling a certain emotion can also be an alternative option (don’t focus on doing stuff so as to solve a problem, you can also feel, perhaps differently, and this can bring in an unexpected solution or the emotion itself (feeling differently) can constitute a solution). Some examples:
“From this situation… you will learn a couple of things… or perhaps you’ll understand everything… and you might learn it in a conscious way or in an unconscious way… perhaps now or perhaps later when you have the time to ponder… and it is also possible not to learn anything at this time… but it might come easier to you later in life when you encounter the same problem… or perhaps not…” (yes, it’s a completely dissociative text)
“You can use this new element (ability, insight, etc.) now… or you can use it later… or, when you’re going to use it you can modify it or you can use only a part of it… or you can mix things or lose distinction between what you learned, what you discovered by yourself and what you invented using your creative side…” (again, many alternatives suggested)
5. Overlapping opposite alternatives.
While using these suggestions, it is important to think about Yin-Yang or Jungian psychology or any oriental philosophy that says we hold the contraries in us and each exaggeration in one direction will create a shadow in the opposite direction. It is rather paradoxical for the western mind but anyway, here are some examples:
“The more you feel a great burden at the beginning, the more you’ll allow yourself to relax towards the end.” (actually, this is true for pretty much everything)
“The more you struggle now to find a solution, the more relaxed you’ll feel later when you find it.”
“The older you feel yourself, the younger your thoughts might often be.”
“The more time you spent in darkness, the brighter can be learning from your personal experience.” (actually, suffering often brings wisdom and a sense of liberation and enlightenment)
“The less you work, the more you earn.” (often the case, as those who work lengthy hours are perpetually tired, don’t have the time to be strategic, make the right moves and develop the right connections and… earn more)
6. Equivalent alternatives.
These suggestions are often used to fluidize the interaction with the client and to overcome obstacles or embarrassing situations, and often reveal secrets you suspect the client is protecting. Some examples:
“When your father was aggressive, he was beating you only or he was beating your mother/sister also?” (said suddenly, and while being almost sure that this is the case, this will take away the burden of the secret abuse, will confirm your hypothesis, while also opening the field of abuse by including other members of the family)
“Are you (sexually) impotent exclusively with your wife or you’re also impotent with your mistress(es)?” (psychological erectile dysfunctions appear typically with the wife and are absent with the lover(s), unless it’s an organic medical problem)
“I don’t know if today you’re going to remember something from when you were 5 or 7 years old…” (the basic idea is that you will definitely remember something relevant today; the age is not significant, given the fact that the conflict is probably the same at 5 or 7 years of age)
“At the end, you can choose the way in which you’ll use what you have learned from our encounter or you will simply discover the way in which you can use what you understood from here.” (actually, you say the same thing twice, using different words; it is trivial if you choose to use something or you discover how to use something, as long as you end up using what you learned from the therapeutic session)
7. Double-bind.
A concept known in psychiatry as a risk factor for schizophrenia in families where the parents use it excessively, the double-bind is the phenomenon when what you say has nothing to do with what you do, therefore you are broadcasting completely different, even contrary, signals. A classic example is the mother who tells her child that she loves him while rejecting him. Below you will see the double-bind used to dissociate the client so as to make him more suggestible. You will also see how to facilitate the contact between the client and his own emotions.
“When you narrate your family story and the life you had with your parents, I know that you can feel again what you felt at that time in the past…” (the client will refresh or re-actualize how he felt years ago, and this can be important if you want him to make contact with forgotten feelings or get him to be angry again so as to change)
“Do you remember your first kiss?” (re-actualizing emotions… strong ones; perhaps useful when the client says he can no longer feel anything… it depends on the situation)
“I think it’s too early to begin therapy now, so let’s talk a bit about your problems.” (often said when the client comes for the first time; obviously, therapy begins from the moment the client enters the room, but he is cheated to believe that “it’s not serious yet”, so as to get relaxed and lower his defensive “shields”)
“You will either learn from this experience of awareness, or you’ll only be able to transmit it to your children.” (either option implies that you will learn, because you cannot transmit to others what you became aware of without learning… what you become aware of…).
There is one thing that can be said about working hypnotically: everything is de-structured and deconstructed. The aim is to confuse, to find other possibilities, to use imagination and creativity, to inhibit the rational mind (which was powerless to offer a better solution anyway), and then to reunite the elements in a new reality. I know that the article doesn’t feel too consistent. But I know that the examples of hypnotic manipulation given above can enrich your life and, if it’s not the case, I am sure you can now at least recognize the indirect suggestive patterns when used by others.
One more thing: Read again the last phrase! 😉
